Heavy on my heart | Whimsical Poppysmic: Heavy on my heart

26 April 2012

Heavy on my heart

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Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say, but I just don't know how to say it. There is so much on my mind and it is really hard to put it all into words. Do you know that feeling? I feel like I haven't really said much lately and I kind of stepped back from blogging a little bit, because I needed some space. I was and am still here (not going anywhere), I just took more time off from the online world to be more present in the real life world.

Life has been somewhat a struggle for me since coming back to Germany. It is so very hard for me to accept that this is my life again and that I left the life I had in the U.S. for the well being of my family. Or so I we thought. We thought coming back now, after 3 years, would be the best decision in regards of our daughter's education and in regards of the hubby's career. And at first it seemed like it was exactly that.

Turns out, it wasn't. Well, let me put this straight, Leonie has had a hard time adjusting to school here and there was no support from neither the school district nor the principal whatsoever. It got to the point where decisions had to be made, because Leonie was turning into a person she wasn't and I was afraid of her never being the same again, so we made the decision for her to repeat second grade in order to have the time she so needed to catch up on everything. After she switched grades/ classes, everything changed for the better and she is doing super great at school! She is a better reader and speller than most of the kids in her class, I am so proud of my little genius daughter! She is bilingual - wow!

So, school is not a problem at all any longer. We were even able to cancel the extra tutoring we had organized for her back in September 2011. But, we are all very homesick and wish we could just go back to where we were. We want our life back, we miss everything and everyone so much, it is breaking my heart. 

I knew it wasn't going to be easy and everyone kept telling me to give it more time, and I did. 3 months passed by - it didn't get better, 6 months passed by - it didn't get better, now, after almost 9 months, I know more than ever that I can not spend the rest of my life here. I was meant to lead another life, far away from where I come from, the place I was able to spend more than 7 years of my life is the place I so long to be. 

I am trying so hard every single day to stay positive. I try so hard to stay strong. I don't want Leonie to notice that this is weighing so heavy on my heart, but sometimes I can't help it and the tears just start coming. Leonie understands. She is so grown up when it comes to those kind of things, she even comforts me, when it should be me comforting her, my precious daughter.

I have the memories from the past 3 years I can draw strength from. I have my faith and the aspiration that one day we will be where we were meant to be. We all want the same thing and would go back in a heartbeat. Don't get me wrong, life in the U.S. wasn't always easy for us, there a certainly a few downsides and we are well aware of those, but we know that we can and want to handle them. And the hubs and I have our jobs here, which I am so grateful for and our families are here, but we know that we can do it. 

We only have this one chance at living the life we desire, why should we waste time not trying to achieve what we dream of?

Thank you for listening!

Hugs,

19 comments:

  1. aww, this makes me so sad for you! Only because I know how you're feeling. I spent the entire weekend wishing I was not living in the US. And I've been in a funk since I allowed those thoughts in. I am glad that Leonie is adjusting to school now, that has to make life a little easier. Thinking of you and hoping you get the change you want soon! :]

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  2. Chrissy, thank you for your honest and open post. It really touched my heart. I am so sorry that you feel like that. I wish I'd have some good advice but I guess all you can do is to try to stay focused on your dreams and have all the support you can get from your family and friends. I am thinking of you!! Hugs

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  3. It must be a difficult thing to move your entire life across the ocean. When I was that far away it was only for three months, and I knew I was coming back.

    I believe that you should follow your heart. And if it tells you to return to the US then maybe you should listen. But of course I understand that leaving jobs and family can be difficult. Whatever you choose to do be happy, and I'm thinking of you!

    Also, you're little package is finally in the mail (sorry), perhaps that will cheer you up a little!:) xox

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  4. Sometimes I am really, really scared when I read your posts... because I keep thinking that I want to eventually want to live in Germany again, but what if I feel the same way that you do? What if I find out that I don't fit in there anymore - even with family and friends there - and I want to go back?

    I can definitely understand the emotional struggle - it's not an easy one. I hope you can do whatever will make you, your husband and Leonie happy. I am here if you need to talk!

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  5. Awww, chrissy, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having these struggles! I know how hard it is to be away from a place where you feel like you really belong, and I hope it gets better for you!

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  6. I 100% agree with that picture. <3 thanks for sharinnng!

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  7. The picture is so perfectly said. I admire your courage to pick up and move away, and you are gaining so many memories and such diversity for your girl. Im sorry to hear you are struggling, hope things start to go better soon.

    {Shauna}
    www.ShaunaWyrick.com

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  8. Sorry you are having a tough time but I admire you for taking the time to work out the feelings and discover it is more than homesickness...you desire a different life and are going for it!

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  9. I'm so sorry that you are feeling homesick. It's right that you should give yourself time after moving somewhere to get acquainted with your new life, but I feel exactly the same as you here in London sometimes, after almost 8 years. I don't feel like this is my 'home', but I also do not know where I want to be. I'm not really drawn to moving back to Germany, life there seems so different now and English almost feels like my first language. It's difficult, too, because my husband is Canadian. We would love to move to his hometown Vancouver, but we would struggle financially there, for sure. So for now, we're stuck until we figure it all out. I hope you will too! It must be harder when you do not want to keep uprooting your kid! x

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  10. Awww, Sweetie! I'm so sorry it's been such a rough time. I'm glad Leonie is doing so much better! I know how heartbreaking it is to see our kids struggling in school. I'm going through it myself. I pray it gets better for you and that it all works out. I love your last quote about living the life you desire. I wholeheartedly agree! I'm always here if you ever want to chat or just vent! :) Big love to you! xoxo

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  11. It's sad to see that you're all struggling with being away from your home. I've always said I wanted to leave here but I know once I do in a month, it won't be as easy as I think.
    As far as your daughter - so awesome she's doing better! Kids can be so much more mature than most adults, so I'm sure she completely understands.
    I do wish you guys the best, and I'm sure you'll be where you belong soon enough. :)

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  12. Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a rough time transitioning back. But these things you just know- you feel so deeply and so instantaneously that transition really isn't the right word. Sometimes transition is what you fight. I hope that you will all be able to get to where you want to be soon!

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  13. Oh, Chrissy! I think that if the 3 of you feel the same way, there's not much to consider anymore. Try to make your trip back to the States happen! Life's too short to be pleasing everybody! I know your family would much rather you stayed in Germany, but if you know for a fact that you guys can be even happier somewhere else, just go for it! ;)

    David and I were recently talking about the slight possibility of my going to Argentina to visit my family this year (if God is on our side and we can pay off some deft first). I got super happy about it, naturally, and then I started thinking about being far away from David and not fitting in in my old home anymore. I got scared and I'm only planning to stay there for a little while! How come I can not imagine myself in a structure I lived most of my life for a little while?! Crazy!

    Anyway, I'm sure you guys will figure out the way to do it. I'm sending you all my best vibes! And congrats to Leonie for being such a brave and grown-up girl! ;)

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  14. I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now, but in the end, u and Ur family will be stronger! In the end u will know what to do... Maybe moving back to Germany was right at that moment... But now the moment has changed. Whatever is in Ur future, I send u strength and patience. Keep Ur head up dearie :)

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  15. I am so sorry to hear that its been a difficult change for you. I wish it would have been easier. I miss you and I hope we can catch up soon. xoxo

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  16. Our expeiences in life make us who we are. You and the family will be stronger for having these experiences. I am so glad that your little one is doing better, that has to be stressful. I do hope that you will be in a situation to move back to the states soon!

    *HUGS*

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  17. So sorry that you have to go through this! I hope you can find peace quickly.

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  18. Well what your heart wants it wants. And you just know that something is wrong and when you can't shake it, it gets hard to hide especially from your loved ones.

    The best advise I can give you is life has a funny way of working it out so it may not be instant but eventually that path will be there for you where you need to be.

    We all take these paths where we think we should be. I think we need to stop forcing things and just let it happen.

    I hope things work out for you and things get better. Whether it is right or wrong - let it get better!

    Lots of hugs.

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  19. oh i long to know more about your journey,...I had no idea you felt this way, and I ache for you chrissy!

    sounds like you have a survivor spirit and that you will persevere...
    it's good to write and get things out, that is for sure, that can be so healing!

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