Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say, but I just don't know how to say it. There is so much on my mind and it is really hard to put it all into words. Do you know that feeling? I feel like I haven't really said much lately and I kind of stepped back from blogging a little bit, because I needed some space. I was and am still here (not going anywhere), I just took more time off from the online world to be more present in the real life world.
Life has been somewhat a struggle for me since coming back to Germany. It is so very hard for me to accept that this is my life again and that I left the life I had in the U.S. for the well being of my family. Or so
I we thought. We thought coming back now, after 3 years, would be the best decision in regards of our daughter's education and in regards of the hubby's career. And at first it seemed like it was exactly that.
Turns out, it wasn't. Well, let me put this straight, Leonie has had a hard time adjusting to school here and there was no support from neither the school district nor the principal whatsoever. It got to the point where decisions had to be made, because Leonie was turning into a person she wasn't and I was afraid of her never being the same again, so we made the decision for her to repeat second grade in order to have the time she so needed to catch up on everything. After she switched grades/ classes, everything changed for the better and she is doing super great at school! She is a better reader and speller than most of the kids in her class, I am so proud of my little genius daughter! She is bilingual - wow!
So, school is not a problem at all any longer. We were even able to cancel the extra tutoring we had organized for her back in September 2011. But, we are all very homesick and wish we could just go back to where we were. We want our life back, we miss everything and everyone so much, it is breaking my heart.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy and everyone kept telling me to give it more time, and I did. 3 months passed by - it didn't get better, 6 months passed by - it didn't get better, now, after almost 9 months, I know more than ever that I can not spend the rest of my life here. I was meant to lead another life, far away from where I come from, the place I was able to spend more than 7 years of my life is the place I so long to be.
I am trying so hard every single day to stay positive. I try so hard to stay strong. I don't want Leonie to notice that this is weighing so heavy on my heart, but sometimes I can't help it and the tears just start coming. Leonie understands. She is so grown up when it comes to those kind of things, she even comforts me, when it should be me comforting her, my precious daughter.
I have the memories from the past 3 years I can draw strength from. I have my faith and the aspiration that one day we will be where we were meant to be. We all want the same thing and would go back in a heartbeat. Don't get me wrong, life in the U.S. wasn't always easy for us, there a certainly a few downsides and we are well aware of those, but we know that we can and want to handle them. And the hubs and I have our jobs here, which I am so grateful for and our families are here, but we know that we can do it.
We only have this one chance at living the life we desire, why should we waste time not trying to achieve what we dream of?
Thank you for listening!