30 October 2012
[Chicago - taken by me]
Today is one of those days where I miss this city and the life we had during our time there even more than usual. It holds a place in my heart so very special and there is nothing that will ever change that. Most of the time I keep this feeling of 'homesickness' locked up inside and that's okay, but on some days when I get a moment to myself, I get it out and dive into it for as long as I can, until I put it away again.
I read this post from Natalie about being torn between two countries on my dear friend's blog "Ma Nouvelle Mode" this morning and it so resembles the way I feel in so many ways. I feel torn between 2 countries as well. My home country Germany, where I am living right now and the US, Chicago, where we lived from September 2008 to August 2011.
It's always when we look back on something we miss so dearly, that we only remember the good things that happened, the fun things we experienced. We rarely remember the days we felt so homesick that it hurt inside. We don't remember the days we sat at home crying after everyone had left for school and work in the morning. We don't remember how hard it was connecting to others, feeling like an outsider because everyone else knew each other.
It took us the first two years to really settle in. In our third year living in the suburbs of Chicago I finally felt like belonging there and then we had to leave. I knew I wasn't ready to let go, I hoped the feeling would fade as soon as I had settled back into my 'old' life here in Germany. Everyone kept telling me to give myself more time to feel at home again. 3 months passed and nothing changed. 6 months passed and the feeling got even worse. Today we are almost in our 15th month back to Germany and if someone told me that I could return to the US tomorrow, I would leave everything behind. I would grab my family and our pets and not look back.
I know that one day I will be able to return. I just cannot stop hoping and believing that it will happen. I cannot give up my dream. I do know that there are a few downsides to living there compared to here. Healthcare is a big one, my country will always support us better when it comes down to it. I know that if I/ the hubs ever get laid off and we have no jobs, my country will support us financially. But, I we are willing to accept the downsides to live the life we so desire.
Some might not understand this. I know our families live here in Germany, and we love them dearly and we will miss them as much as we did during our time in the US. But, I cannot live a life I don't want to live for our families. I have to try and live the life that was meant for me. This may sound harsh to some, but when it comes down to it, we have to do what our hearts desire. Not?
Have a wonderful day.
Hugs,
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Hi, I'm Chrissy - a part-time working mom and wife trying to navigate life by taking the pup for a walk while the pasta is cooking, so that lunch is ready on time. My spare time is for blogging and knitting - give me a precious skein of yarn and I am in heaven! Thanks for stopping by - enjoy! xxx
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6 comments:
thinking of you, friend!
You know how much I feel you on this. I miss Germany terribly sometimes, but I know I would miss the States as well if we were to move back. It's a tough place to be in.
Just out of curiosity, can you put in words more what exactly you love more about living in the States? I know that I am going to agree with a lot of what you're going to say... just curious :)
So sorry you are feeling homesick. I've never been far from my "home", it's only and hour away from where we live, but I could only imagine it would be terribly hard to feel torn between two special places.
But, as you said, it's important to follow your heart and do what is best for your little family.
thinking of you. xoxo
Awe, Chrissy! When you write posts about this topic I can't help but think about myself if I were to return to my home country. I complain a lot about what I've lost by moving here, but I think it'd be really hard to leave what I've gained here, too! My hope is that now that I've gotten a job, I will finally be able to feel more self-confident, to make new friends and to find my place here.
I don't think it's selfish to want to come back to America at all. You have found your place in the world, so why not settle down there when you have the chance!? :p Plus the rest of your family feels the same way! There's not much to think about ;D. I hope your dream can be accomplish soon!!!
It is so hard. I have many of these same feelings about Cali. Being close to family is great, but you are so right, you have to do what your hearts desire! Life is far too short... but it is nice that in times like when your dad was sick, that you were close... that is hard. It is definitely not black and white, easy peasy! xo
i hope you get to go where your heart wants to be. I don't think its harsh at all wanting to live your own life, other people family included have their own lives to live and you shouldnt have to miss yours x